It’s amazing to see how beautifully the body can move and how anatomy and physiology fuse together into an art of motion. 

What I like about dancers is the passion you see not only in their movements but their faces as well. Dance is an expression, an outlet, and the creative utilization of what you’ve had since the beginning of your life. To some, it’s an escape. To some, it’s a hobby. To others, it’s a passion. It’s different for everyone. It unifies through its diversity. 

When I watch people dance, I’m in awe and feel borderline envious because I sincerely do wish I could dance. Well, I mean, I have the ability to, but the skill? Ehhhhhhh. I was discussing dancing with a friend earlier and we both voiced our dismay over how we weren’t more persistent about convincing our mothers to let us take dance lessons when we were younger. Some people don’t even need to be taught by another; they’re self-taught as if they slipped out of the womb groovin’. 

It’s never too late to learn, yeah?

Y’know what’s one of the most fascinating things to watch? Someone waking up.

One minute they’re completely shut off from reality by their own body’s need for sleep and the next minute they’re not. Sometimes their eyes flutter for a second, blinking away the persistent pull of sleep on their eyelids. Other times they may jolt awake with that ‘deer caught in the headlights’ expression and immediately feel embarrassed the moment after. I find that adorable, yet I’m guilty of feeling bashful when jolted awake, even if no one is there to witness it.

There’s that moment of not-quite-awake but not-quite-asleep confusion that’s entertaining to witness. It’s like watching a struggle between one’s mind and body; which one will win? The mind’s command to awake or the body’s desire for more rest? Sleep is great and all, but you need to wake up eventually.

Speaking of sleep… My body is calling for some of that (and then some, if you know what I mean) right now, so I shall retire for the night. I have a long, stressful day ahead of me (and I’m completely at fault while accepting the consequences).

Sometimes I’ll look at a friend and suddenly just want to spill every worry, thought, and secret out of my mouth like a waterfall of anxiety. It’s not that I don’t trust any of my friends enough. It’s just that… sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t talk to them about certain things, yet I want to. I just want to tell someone everything without being judged, told how to feel, or told what to do. I don’t want that person to just nod his or her head, mumble “I understand”, and pat me on the back. You don’t have to do any of that. I mean, sure, it can be reassuring and a nice hug is comforting, but really… Sometimes I need someone to just listen and not say a word to change my mind. Reassure me that I’m human. That it’s okay to feel. Feeling isn’t being selfish. 

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A self-reflection.

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Oh hey! It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these. 

Umm… 

Umm…

I don’t really know what to write about… My current thought is focused on food, haha. I’m hungry!

OH!

I’m getting that feeling again. That feeling for a spontaneous trip to anywhere in the middle of the night (well, actually, I’d prefer in the day lol. Overnight trip!). I want to go back to Cannon Beach for a day, or even Ocean Shores. The drive isn’t very long and I’d like to be surrounded by a good group of people. Just let loose for a day and immerse myself with temporary freedom. I want to look over the vast ocean and be amazed by the fact that another continent is just on the other side. I want to dig my toes into the sand, lie on a blanket, and bask under sunlight. Then, in the middle of the night, we’d sneak over to the beach. Doesn’t matter if we’re not allowed to, we’ll go. There’s something ethereally amazing about watching the moon and stars on the beach. 

AHHH. I’m so hungry, not really sleepy, but I think I’ll go to bed now. I have a bit of a busy day ahead of me.

G’night!

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these.

…I’m not awake enough to effectively jot down what’s on my mind. There’s a jumble of emotions, memories, and plans residing in my mind right now. A majority of them are positive, which is great. Positivity is great. I’m going to need more to push into more last-minute planning of my/Natalie’s/Sellenna’s birthday party. Honestly, I’m reaching a point where I will throw out all of our current plans and reschedule the whole shebang. We don’t have a place to host it, a confirmed list of guests, and just ugh bleh. BLEH. 

Like, fuck it, maybe I’ll just opt out of it and go off on a random late night adventure. Really, I’d be happy enough with that. I’d love to hang with a bunch of friends, share some laughs, and make some memories, but I’ve been absolutely craving a late night adventure with just a few people. 

Rawr. I’m tired. 

Totally about to just conk out o’er hurr, but I want to write this now.

Hands are gorgeous. 

The grooves of the knuckles.

The angles of the fingers.

The different textures.

The curves of the palms.

Story-telling lines decorating those palms.

Some hands have blisters. Blisters of hard work and creation.

To be continued at a later time…

I miss running across white sand dunes in New Mexico and feeling so liberated as I bounded for what felt like a hundred miles in every direction.

I miss sticking my head out of a car’s sunroof in Arizona and snapping a photo of a long, empty road while in motion.

I miss napping in makeshift hammocks made out of Winnie the Pooh bedsheets. 

I miss Destin, Florida’s clear water and the fish that tickled my feet. I don’t miss the jellyfish.

I miss feeling the earth shake beneath me in Wyoming as a herd of horses galloped towards shelter in a field, the smell of rain heavy in the air.

I miss the occasional breeze which felt like a whispered blessing across sun-kissed skin.

I miss summer road trips, flip flops, and tank tops.

I miss summer nights spent with the window open and a chorus of frogs nearby, which you eventually grew to either like or tune out. 

Yeah, I miss summer, but spring’s pretty nice too. Patience, patience.

G’night.

(but not really ‘cause I’ll probably be up for a few more hours)

I feel like reading aloud to someone. Y’know, like, reading to someone before falling asleep. I’ve been recording myself reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close and listening to how I sound. It’s funny to hear myself because half of the time I’m thinking, “Wow Kayla you’re such a dope. You totally botched up the pronunciation” and the other half I’m thinking, “…Well this isn’t so bad…but you’re still a dope.”

I know a few months ago I asked for pieces of work to read aloud and some of my lovely followers gave me suggestions. I WILL get to them…eventually.

Maybe I’ll post some samples tomorrow when I go to Starbucks to use their wi-fi. Maaaaaybe.

If I observe or interact with a friend long enough, I adopt a few of their habits or quirks.

For instance, whenever I drive now, I switch between drive and neutral quite frequently. Before I used to just keep it on drive (and occasionally switch to D2 when inclining) because my parents never taught me to do otherwise. I’m not very car-savvy too. Aren’t I cool and efficient now?

In grade school, one of my friends would tap the top of a can of soda three times before opening. Soon enough, I started doing that too, and I still do today!

And I adopt phrases, too. In eighth grade, I knew a kid who said “ridiculous” like crazy; now I do too (still). There are a few words or phrases I try not to say though. My friend Natalie says “hella” soooo much, and sometimes I find the word trying to roll out of my mouth. I swallow it down whenever I feel the urge because my brain immediately snaps, “STOP. NO.” I just don’t like saying it for some reason, lol. Hmmm. What’s another phrase I’ve adopted? Oh! Well, Robert and I have our own collection of phrases we use around each other. I guess that doesn’t really count according to this context, but it’s worth mentioning. :P

And if a person tends to use a lot of emoticons while IMing or texting, I will use an excess amount emoticons too. Ridiculous.

I guess it can be easy for someone’s habits to rub off on me. I’m easily influenced by close friends especially, haha.

This is the first time in a long time that it’s just my mom, brother, and I at home at night. Julia’s with her dad right now.

It’s so…eerily quiet. Julia’s usually talking, singing, or making some sort of ruckus till she goes to sleep.

Hmm. For the longest time during my childhood, it was just my brother, mom, and I living together. Sure, I saw my dad once a week or so. But I remember my brother and I keeping each other company for most of the time.

And I remember the times in that little apartment in Dallas when my mon would lock herself in the bedroom with the phone. I didn’t know who she was talking to at the time. Turned out to be my future (ex-)step-father.

So then three became four in a household once we moved into our first actual house. A year later, four became five. A few years later, five went back to four. Four people living in this house.

By the end of the year, four might become three if I move out. Of course I’ll visit frequently to help out at home and babysit. It’s going to be weird, but good.

G’night!

One of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help.

I don’t mean like “Hey, can you help me perform this mundane task?”. I mean help. I actually struggle with taking the initiative and asking someone to talk; I prefer to wait till someone asks me if I’m doing all right. I feel intrusive or like a bother if I just outrightly say, “Hey, I don’t feel well. Please help me”. There are a few people I hold dear to me whom I can do that to, though, and I’m so sorry I’m like this.

I just. Fuck. Why do I feel like this right now? Honestly. It’s like these waves of frustration and overwhelmingly negative feelings popped out of the blue. Just yesterday I was laughing my ass off with friends and now I’m sulking on my bed.

Now I’m just frustrated with myself. Therefore, I will lie in bed playing Pokemon till the need to sleep overcomes me or something.

There’s something really soothing about driving at night, and that means a lot coming from me, the girl who dislikes driving. Maybe I’ve gotten used to driving at night. It really is quite nice.

G’night!

This morning, I turned to my mother in the car and said, “Ma, I’m turning nineteen this month.”

She looked at me with wondering eyes as if she were seeing me for the first time in years. “Yes you are,” she muttered with the ghost of a smile gracing her lips. Then she quietly laughed and turned her eyes back to the road ahead. “I’m getting old.”

I looked at her with wondering eyes and whispered, ”Yes you are.”